Grief

This afternoon I spent time cleaning out my dead wife’s clothes.  It was difficult, it has taken almost six weeks for me even to contemplate such an undertaking.  I’m not finished, but I have made a good start.

So, I am grieving my lovely wife, Denee.  We had 56 years of married life together.  I loved her as much the day she died as the day I married her.

I’m grieving but I’m not sure if I am doing it right.  I looked up the five or seven stages of grief.  The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The seven stages add shock as the first stage and processing grief as the last stage. 

I’ve read the stages but I’m still not sure that I have any better understanding.  I don’t know where I am and what I’m supposed to feel.  There doesn’t seem to be any rules about grieving.  What stage am I supposed to be in now?  I don’t think I denied her death.  We had known it was coming for quite a few days.  When they move someone from a regular ward to the palliative care wing of the hospital, it is a pretty good indicator.  Anger? I don’t think that I ever felt that.  I wasn’t angry with Denee or with anyone else.  What purpose would it serve?  Bargaining they say involves dwelling on what could've been done to prevent the loss.  But how far back do you have to look for some clue to that?  A week, a month, a year?  Did my battle with depression in the 1990s do harm?  Was our move to Peterborough from Ottawa late last year to be near family a mistake?  The accident that precipitated her hospitalization was just that – an accident. What could I have done differently?  Nothing that I can determine other than perhaps love her even more.

Depression is the most difficult phase they say. But it is something that I am very familiar with having been diagnosed with it over 30 years ago and been treating it with prescription medication ever since.  I have come to know when my mood has changed and what to do about it.  Does that mean that I am somehow immune to this stage?  Probably not, but hopefully I will recognize it and deal with it as I usually do by seeking help from my therapist.  And finally, there is acceptance.  Do you ever fully accept the death of a loved one?  I don’t know but I think this stage will take a long time to fade.  Yes, I know that Denee is dead and that I will never see or hear her again except through pictures and the odd video.  I will never forget her, but I will know that she is gone.

Perhaps the best advice that I have received about all of this is, “Everyone does it differently”.

GRIEF IS UNIVERSAL - GRIEVERS ARE DISTINCTIVE.